


Secrets

by TooManyFandoms11



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Kickthestickz, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, crabstickz, kickthepj, web shows, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Explicit Language, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Language, M/M, Romace, Self Harm, trigger warning, web shows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-02-24 21:04:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2596406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyFandoms11/pseuds/TooManyFandoms11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has loved Phil since their trip to Jamaica in 2010 but has sworn he will never let Phil know his true feelings as he is sure Phil doesn't feel the same way. Phil discovers one of Dans secrets and swears that he will help Dan until he is okay again. Dans POV. Warnings: self harm and language</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, this is my first fanfiction so any feedback will help me a lot. I will update as soon as i possibly can, which hopefully only means a few days between each chapter. I hope you enjoy and like i said, any reviews on how i can make this story better or any ideas that i could try and include would help me out a lot. Enjoy!

It was on our holiday to Jamaica in 2010 that I first realised that I loved him. Phil Lester. The most beautiful and generally just the best person in the world. I snapped out of my daydream when Phil shook me slightly and asked if I was okay.  
“Yeah I’m fine” I lied  
Phil nodded and smiled that amazing smile he had.  
“So you want to play some Mario Kart?”  
I really didn’t want to, as all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and fall asleep but as I was about to say something, I looked at Phil’s face and agreed.  
“Alright then but be prepared to loose Phil”  
“In your dreams” retorted Phil confidently.  
I walked over and sat down next to Phil, our hands brushing slightly as we reached over for the controllers. I blushed and I swear I saw Phil’s cheeks turn red slightly but I decided it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

After about an hour of playing Mario Kart I successfully won overall.  
“Yes I won! See I told you I would win Phil” I joked.  
“I let you win!”  
I knew that would be his response but I could see the smile on his face.  
“Yeah yeah of course you did” I laughed  
Phil laughed too and then suggested that we make a video together for my channel as me made a one together for his last week.  
I agreed and we started thinking for ideas that we could use.  
We thought for a few minutes before I suggested we made a truth or dare video, as it had been a while since we did one of those and I always felt as if I got to know Phil even more, even though we already knew everything, well most things in my case, about each other. Phil agreed so I went to go get the camera and the tripod. When I got back Phil was sat on his laptop and told me that he was asking people on twitter for some good truth and dares. Whilst Phil went through the suggestions and wrote the good ones down, I set up the camera and got everything ready for the video.  
“You ready?”  
I nodded and turned to the camera and did my usual greeting “hello Internet. Today me and Phil have decided to make a truth or dare video.”  
“Yes so I’ve gone on twitter and asked you guys to tweet me some of your suggestions and we have gone through them and picked some of the best ones”  
“Right then lets get started. So Phil truth or Dare?”  
Phil has always been terrible at making decisions so he changed his mind a few times “Truth. No dare. Yeah truth”  
I laughed and asked “you sure?”  
“Yes?” Phil said but it turned more into a question than a statement.  
“Right I’m just going to go with truth before you change your mind again. Meagan asks when was your last relationship”  
Phil thought for a few seconds before replying with “I think it was about 2 years ago? Yeah about 2/3 years ago.”  
“Well they were memorable then” I joked and Phil started coming up with excuses.  
“Right then Dan truth or dare?”  
“Dare”  
“Katie dares you to make a smoothie with a banana, bread, white chocolate, butter, an egg and a kiwi and then drink it”  
“Hang on do we even own a kiwi?” I ask.  
Phil shook his head and laughed.  
“Right then we will be back soon after we go and buy a kiwi.”

“We should probably go and get one then” Phil says as he got up to put his shoes on. We got up, got our wallets and phone and then headed out of the house to go to the shops. It wasn’t too cold outside but I decided I would take my coat just incase. After about 2 minutes of walking I saw Phil shivering out the corner of my eye so I offered him my jacket, not wanting him to be cold. But of course Phil being Phil he declined and told me to keep it but then me being, well me I put it round his shoulders anyways.  
“Thanks” whispered Phil. I smiled at him as he stepped closer to me to keep us both warm and Phil smiled back in response. Boy do I love his smile I thought. Snap out of it Dan! He doesn’t feel the same way I told myself.

When we got back to our flat we started the recording again and we made the smoothie. When I finished making it, Phil smelled it and didn’t look impressed.  
“It smells disgusting!” he proclaimed whilst handing it back to me so I could smell it. I didn’t say anything but my face probably said it all. I slowly lifted the glass to my mouth, not wanting to taste it as it really didn’t look and smell nice and the taste probably wouldn’t be any better. I took a tiny sip before Phil ‘accidently’ knocked my hand so I ended up swallowing more. I immediately spat it out and glared at Phil.  
“It was an accident” said Phil whilst he was trying not to laugh. After about 5 seconds of me glaring at Phil, Phil burst out with laughter, unable to hold it in anymore, and I saw my ideal opportunity. I grabbed hold of Phil’s neck with my left hand and with my other hand lifted the glass up to Phil’s mouth so he drank some of the smoothie but before Phil could swallow he quickly spat it out and then smiled triumphantly. I then tipped the entire smoothie over Phil’s head so Phil in response through an egg of me. We then had a massive food fight.

After about 10 minutes of throwing food off each other we decided to call it quits, clean the kitchen and then go and get a shower. We decided to take our shirts off as they were covered in food and we didn’t want to get the kitchen any dirtier. I took my shirt off, unaware of the eyes on my bare but slightly toned and tanned chest. When Phil took his off I couldn’t help but look. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Phil looked up and I quickly looked away whilst blushing, hoping he didn’t notice me staring.

After the kitchen was cleaned, we both got showers and I decided to start editing the video.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, so I decided to upload this one straight away as it was done and I'm sorry that this is one is so short, the rest will be a to longer. Hope you enjoy this chapter and any feedback will be appreciated.

After I finished editing the video I realised I didn’t have an outro to it so I quickly made one, edited it and added it onto the end of the video. I then uploaded it onto my channel and watched as the view counter and comments rose.

I was bored so I decided to play some piano, which I havn’t played for a while. It only took me a few minutes to get back into the swing of playing the piano so after 10 minutes I managed to play all of my pieces fluently again, plus a couple of songs I had learned to play over the years. I did all of this, unaware of the person standing at my door, watching and listening to me play and gazing at my face. After 15 minutes of Phil standing there he asked of I wanted any pancakes as he was going to make some. I loved Phil’s pancakes so said yes.

Phil went downstairs so he could start making the pancakes and I decided I would follow him down. As I walked into the kitchen I stopped and just looked at Phil’s beautiful face, hoping that he wouldn’t catch me staring but he looked up and smiled so I quickly smiled back and looked down, blushing. Phil finished the pancakes so they ate them in a comfortable silence, having no need to talk.

We finished eating so I picked up the dishes and started to wash them. I rolled my sleeves up, forgetting about the scars that covered them. I didn’t realise until I heard Phil gasp and eyes burrowing into the back of my skull. It took me a few seconds to figure out what had made Phil gasp but when I did I quickly rolled down my sleeves and sprinted to my room, locking my door behind me. It had been a while since I had cut, so I had forgotten about the scars that still covered my wrists. I wondered how Phil didn’t notice them before them when we were cleaning the kitchen.

I was worried about how Phil would react. Would he kick me out? I thought but then quickly dismissed that, as I knew Phil would never do that. I slowly rolled my sleeves back down and stared at the scars that covered both arms. I hadn’t cut in about 3 months, which I was proud of, despite wanting to so much so there were no fresh scars on my arms but there were still plenty scattered around my body from years of cutting. I hadn’t even realised I was crying until Phil knocking on my door, broke me out of my trance, so I felt the tears stream down my cheeks.

Phil continued asking if he could come in but I couldn’t respond, as I didn’t trust myself to talk as if I opened my mouth I would start sobbing loudly. I was desperately trying to keep myself together. I then heard Phil getting frantic and worried outside my door as I continued not answering him and making any sound at all. I couldn’t hold myself together any more so I just sat there, sobbing as quietly as I could but it probably still loud enough for Phil to hear.

I then did something that I hadn’t done in months, I got up, walked over to where my razors were, picked one up and dragged it across my wrist, sighing in relief as the pain shot up my body. I was shaking so much but I continued to do it until there were 10 new cuts on my arms, each one deeper than the previous one. The blade looked so cold and metallic against my pale and bare skin. I could hear Phil get even more frantic outside my door. My vision began to get blurry as the blood continued to stream down my arm and soon I was lying in a pool of my own blood, crying loudly. I faintly remember hearing Phil say he was going to break the door down, and then a figure come crashing into my room. I heard a cry and a shout of my name before my world turned black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the 3rd chapter, i literately posted the and chapter seconds ago but i thought why not just post this one too. I will try and update tomorrow but i can't promise anything as i have so much work to do at the moment but i will update as soon as i can. If you have any ideas on how to make this story better then i will definitely pay attention to it. This one is slightly longer than the last two chapters but i am planning on making them even longer. Hope you enjoy!

I woke up in pain in my own bed. I couldn’t remember what happened but the events soon came flooding back as I glanced down at my arm and saw it all bandaged up. I tried to call out for Phil but my voice was sore and hoarse so nothing came out. I decided I would get up instead but quickly sat back down again as I became dizzy when I stood.

About a minute later Phil came in, looking as if he had been crying. Just seeing his face covered in sadness and worry, and all because of me, just set me off and I started crying again. Phil ran over to me and sat down next to me, hugging me tightly and until I stopped crying. I wish I could stay in his arms forever but I knew that this would never happen, as he didn’t feel the same way, I told myself.

Phil then asked if we could talk. I really didn’t want to but I could tell that Phil wanted to. “Why?” was all Phil managed to say.  
“I don’t know…” of course I knew why, it was because I was helplessly in love with him and he was oblivious, as he only sees me as a friend, so I couldn’t tell him the reason why.  
“How long for?”  
I decided I needed to be honest with him about this “today was the first time in about 3 months but before that it went on for about 3 years before>”  
“3 Years!? And I didn’t even fucking notice” Phil said, more to himself than me. He sounded angry and disappointed with himself. He seemed to be blaming himself as he didn’t notice but it wasn’t his fault so I automatically felt really bad and guilty for doing this.  
“I’m so sorry Phil”  
Phil’s face immediately softened. “Don’t be sorry Dan its not your fault”  
“But it is though! If I was just stronger or wasn’t even here at all then this whole stupid mess wouldn’t even exist!”  
“Daniel James Howell listen to me. Don’t you dare or even think anything like that again. You are the most important person in my life and I cant stand for you to be thinking like that. I don’t care how long its going to take but I’m going to help you get over this. And that’s a promise. I’m never going to leave you. ” You could hear Phil’s voice softening and becoming quieter as he talked. 

I started crying again so Phil hugged me again. I automatically felt better. “You don’t have to Phil”  
“I know I don’t Dan but I want to so I will and I wont stop until your better”  
a thank you is all I managed to say.  
“anytime you feel like cutting, or you just want to talk, I’m here for you and you can talk to me about anything. No matter what it is, ill never ever judge you or leave you and I will never think any less of you.”  
I didn’t know how to reply to that so I smiled and hugged Phil tightly.

Phil got up and left shortly afterwards so I decided to answer some questions on twitter and tumblr. I was completely fine until I came across some hate comments, calling me a fag and about how I would go to hell for being gay. I managed to read one more comment saying that I was fat and ugly and that Phil would never like me back, before I ran over to my drawer searching for my blades but they weren’t there. I mentally screamed as I messed my room up, looking for them. I then realised that Phil must have took them so I ran to the kitchen where Phil was.  
“where are they” I demanded  
Phil obviously knew what I was on about so replied straight away with “I’m not giving them to you Dan. What’s the matter?”  
“No please Phil. I need them”  
“You don’t Dan. Just take some big deep breaths, come sit down and we will talk”  
“Phil you don’t understand! I need them! I need to cut!” I then ran over to Phil and begged him to give them to me.  
“Dan please just calm down. We can sit and talk about whatever is bothering you.” Said Phil. Phil must have realised that I was going to ask for them again as he quickly sat me down and hugged me. I automatically melted into the hug and started crying again.  
“Now then. Please will you tell me what the matter is?” asked Phil worriedly, after I had stopped crying.  
“Can I get a shower first?”  
“okay but promise me that we will talk?”  
“I promise Phil”  
“good” said Phil, which he then followed with a joke about lions to try and lighten the mood. I laughed at Phil’s weirdness, which was one of the many qualities that made him Phil and was completely in love with. I then jumped in the shower.

Meanwhile, Phil decided to tidy up my room a bit, knowing that I would have messed it up on my hunt for my razors. He tidied everything up but then saw my laptop, half open on tumblr and decided to have a look as he thought that there might have been some comments that had set me off. Phil glanced at my laptop screen and couldn’t help but gasp at the first comment he saw which read: ‘you are just worthless Dan. A worthless excuse of a human. You should just kill yourself already. Phil is just using you, he really cant stand you. You are just so fat and ugly and are just a huge faggot. You obviously love Phil, you can tell from the way you look and talk about him but luckily he doesn’t feel the same way about you (thank god). You are going to rot in hell . You deserve to, you faggot.’

So many thoughts ran through Phils head as he wondered if I was gay and if I actually felt that way about him. He also thought about how much he despised and wanted revenge on whoever wrote this comment for making me feel this way. Phil decided he would ask me about it when we talked. Phil must have heard the shower go off as he walked out off my room and sat down in the living room, waiting for me to get ready.


	4. Authors note

Hi guys! Im sorry i haven't uploaded in a while, i haven't abandoned this, I've just been ill and have had loads of work to do recently so i haven't had a chance to do any more writing. I'll try and get writing this weekend so hopefully it won't be too long until another chapter! Please review as i love hearing your feedback on the story so far!


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Im so sorry for not updating recently, ive had loads of exams and i wasnt well for a while so i havnt had a chance to write but now my exams have finished i will start writing more often so the chapters should be more frequent. I hope you enjoy this chapter and please keep the comments coming as i love hearing any feedback.

I finally stepped out of the shower, after being in there for 30 minutes, worrying about the conversation that is going to follow. I was so worried about what Phil was going to say. I decided not to think about it so I left the bathroom and hurried into my room, shutting the door behind me. I got changed into my usual attire, black skinny jeans and a black long sleeved shirt, straightened my hair and then I sat on my bed wondering about what I was going to say. 

After about 10 minutes of thinking I heard a knock on my door so I went over and answered it and of course it was Phil.  
“You okay to talk now?” You could hear the worry etched in Phil’s voice so I tried to give him a reassuring smile.  
“Just give me a moment to finish my hair and then I’ll come out and talk”  
Phil obviously didn’t trust himself to say anything else at that moment so he just nodded and walked into the living room.

I quickly finished off and walked, very slowly, to the living room and sat down next to Phil. We both seemed very awkward so we just sat in silence for a few moments before Phil said “right then, if there’s something you don’t want to answer then just say and that’s totally fine, okay?”I nodded.  
“Okay then, what caused you to…” Phil ventured off towards the end of the sentence and looked towards my arms.  
I understood what he meant and that he was obviously uncomfortable about this topic and how he seemed to blame himself for it so I decided to not mention it and finish off the sentence for him.  
“Just some comments I saw online” I whispered as I knew it was a pathetic reason but it was the truth.  
“Can you tell me what they said?”  
“They were just calling me things and saying things” I didn’t want to elaborate on that and I think Phil picked up on that as he didn’t ask me to, which I was grateful for.  
“Dan… can I ask you something? And I just want to let you know that I won’t care about what the answer is to this question. I’ll never judge you about anything and you can always talk to me.”  
I started getting really nervous when he said this as I didn’t know what he was going to ask.  
“Yeah of course you can Phil and that’s the same with me.” Phil just nodded and we smiled at each other and then started laughing when Phil’s toung was hanging out of his moth (which I thought was really cute but I didn’t say that).  
“Dan are you gay? Which if you are is fine by the way.”  
I completely froze. I didn’t have a clue about what I should say. I was not expecting Phil to ask that. I couldn’t trust myself to say anything so I just nodded and looked down at my hands, trying to avoid any eye contact with Phil.  
“If you want me to leave then I’ll go and pack now” I mumbled.  
I heard Phil laugh and I couldn’t help but smile at how cute it was so I looked up.  
“Honestly Dan, nothing will ever make me want you to leave me. Absolutely nothing. I honestly don’t mind that you’re gay; as long as you’re happy then I’m happy.”  
“I didn’t expect you to take it so well if I’m honest” I said whilst taking a sip of my coffee that I couldn’t even remember making.  
“Well I could never hate you for being gay when I’m also gay myself” Phil admitted, laughing slightly.  
I spat my drink out of my mouth and Phil laughed. After a moment of me trying to regain myself I said “well I definitely wasn’t expecting that”  
I was about to say something when the doorbell rang so we both got up. I was about to go answer the door when Phil pulled me into a hug, which I melted into.  
“Remember Dan, I’m always here for you, no matter what and if you ever feel that down again, or you feel like cutting, or there’s just something wrong in general then please come and talk to me.”  
“Thank you so much Phil, you mean so much to me” I admitted “and if there’s anything you want to talk about, then I’m also here.”  
We just laughed, broke the hug and went to see who was at the door.


	6. Chapter 6

We walked toward the door and opened it, wondering who it was. Phil opened the door and looked to see that it was Chris and PJ stood there. As soon as the door was opened Chris ran towards me and hugged me whilst PJ did the same with Phil.

We invited them into the apartment and asked what they were doing here. They replied that they were wondering if we could all make a video together and decided on Would You Rather. I started asking people on Twitter and Facebook and we all looked through the questions, picking out the best ones.

We got the camera set up and made the video. We decided that it would go on Pj's channel as it was his idea, edited the video and watched as Pj uploaded it.

Once that was finished we all decided on a Mario Kart competition to decided who was the overall winner. We decided we would film it and that me and Phil would put it into our gaming channel. I came in first place, Chris in second, then Pj and then Phil in last. As usual, Phil made up excuses to why he came last.

It got to 6pm when Chris and Pj left, promising that we would hang out later that week.

Me and Phil both decided that we were hungry and after 10 minutes of debating we both settled on ordering a Chinese whilst watching DeathNote. We finished our meals but continued to watch DeathNote, quoting the characters as we both knew it well.

I was unaware of how tired I was until I fell asleep on Phil's shoulder, where I remained for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that i've taken so long to update and that this chapter is so short! i will update the next part on Monday/Tuesday and the next part is much longer than this chapter. Hope you enjoy!


	7. Chapter 6

I awoke to the smell of bacon cooking. I groaned and turned over, not wanting to get up, noticing it was only 9am.

"Dan you can't be long as we have to go into town to get the shopping" Phil shouted over the sound of cooking.

I mumbled an okay in response and I heard Phil laugh. I think I ended up falling asleep again as the next thing I remember is Phil shaking me, telling me I had to get ready.

"5 more minutes" I begged.

"C'mon Dan, I'll turn the wifi off and not turn it back on for a week" Phil joked. Now that got me up.

I jumped of the coach and shouted an okay and that I was up which received a laugh from Phil.

I quickly got a shower, got ready and ate the bacon sandwich that Phil had made for me. I was about to go and straighten my hair when I had Phil say that he preferred my hobbit hair which made me decide to keep it.

I was about to sit down and quickly check Twitter when I felt a hand hold mine and drag me out the door, saying that there wasn't time. I laughed and allowed Phil to drag me, enjoying the feeling of Phil's warm hand against my cold one.

We walked to the store, still holding hands, neither of us wanting to let go. Unfortunately we had to as we got to the supermarket so we could get the shopping. I walked around picking up all the junk food whilst Phil just laughed, put the majority of it back and got the food we needed.

Luckily it wasn't far from our apartment so we didn't have to carry the heavy bags far. We got home and unpacked the food. I grabbed the cereal and tried to hide it as I knew Phil would eat it all within a few days, when I felt Phil's hand against mine as he tried to reach for the box, laughing and blushing. I couldn't help but smile back at him. I really did love him.

I held the box just out of reach from Phil when he jumped to try and get it, causing us to fall backwards with Phil landing on top of me.

We both laughed nervously and blushed, looking into each other's eyes. Phil started to lean towards me and then there was a surge of butterflies as Phil's soft lips brushed against mine. It was the best feeling. Phil realised what he had done and started apologising until I stopped him with another kiss except this one was longer and much more passionate. I felt Phil smile into the kiss, causing me to smile too. I pulled away and we smiled at each other, blushing.


End file.
